Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Terrible news...

***Please note that the following should not be read at work***

I had a doctor's appointment today. A regular, routine checkup. I left Jackson and Adam at home and told Adam that if I wasn't back before 12:15, to take Jackson to my mom's. Dr. Taylor was running about an hour behind schedule, so of course I was going to be later than expected. They finally called me in, I peed, they weighed me, and the nurse took me in. We did a fetal heart scan, and since I am still pretty early, she said it might be hard to find a heart beat, but if she couldn't, she'd just have the ultrasound tech do a belly scan to confirm, no big deal. Dr. Taylor came in and said everything looked great. We took another blood sample to make sure that my progesterone was getting into normal range (and I could possibly stop taking the troches), but other than that, everything was good. The ultrasound tech had gone to lunch so Dr. Taylor wanted me to come back in an hour just to make sure, because it would be 4 more weeks until she saw me again.

I called Mom to make sure she had Jackson under control. I headed to lunch and then was going back to the office for the belly scan.

I got back, got right in, and layed on the table. We talked about the ENORMOUS mom that was in just before me and the picture on the screen of her baby with ROLLS--yes ROLLS in the womb! We were laughing and everything was fine...and she started the belly scan.

I saw the sac, but really nothing else. I said "Awww....I don't see anything (I already knew)." "That's not good, huh?!" (again, already knew) She was visibly upset, "Ramie, I don't see anything either......" and she didn't say anything else. I said, very calmly, "I NEVER thought this would ever happen to us....." "Okay, now what do I do?"

She took everything to Dr. Taylor and I called Adam..."Tell Adam it's an emergency and I need to talk to him now, please." "Adam, you need to meet me at Dr. Taylor's office. Leave the office and get here, okay?" I was very calm during all of this....oddly....

I went back to the exam room and just sat there. Not really thinking anything. I am a TRUE believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and you can't be mad about it. You can get upset, lock yourself in a closet, scream, and get pissed, but in the end, it's happened. So I just sat and pondered on how I was going to tell the family, how/if/when we would try again. Honestly, I never asked "WHY?" or "HOW?" because it didn't matter to me. I didn't even cry at first.

Dr. Taylor came in and sat down, visibly shaken as well, which saddened me. I had become pretty close to the girls in the office when I had Jackson, so I could tell she really cared about this pregnancy as well. She had had miscarriages herself, she explained what had happened. She said this was something no one could predict. It could have been that this baby had too many or not enough chromosomes, it could happen again, it could have just been a fluke....these things just happen. And I told her, "It's okay. Really. We have ALWAYS said that if Jackson was our only child, we would still be happy and we would love him more than any child in the world. I have faith, and I believe that this was meant to be...." She said it would hit me later and to just be prepared. She wanted to confirm and have me and Adam go to a specialist (Dr. Rowe) in the morning to do another belly scan and see if there was something that we missed or that we can prevent in the future.

So I went and sat in a grieving room and waited for Adam to get there. He was shocked. I think he knew something was up when I called. He was very the time it took for him to get there, I broke down. I cried, simply because I was sad that it was over. I'm not mad, just sad right now. I'm not questioning, just disappointed, that's all. I cried for about 15 minutes and then Adam came in and I had to try and explain it all to him.

We go tomorrow morning at 11:00 to see Dr. Rowe. On the car ride home, we cried. We both agreed that we are happy that it happened now. Before we knew the sex, before we picked out names, before we got too terrible attached. Had it happened at 20, 30, 40 weeks, I would have reacted differently, I'm sure. I was still getting used to the idea of being pregnant. Throwing up everyday doesn't get you too excited about being pregnant, really.

We got home, Adam went and picked Jackson up, and the minute Mom opened the door, Adam said she knew. He didn't even really have to say anything. Mother's instinct, I guess. I was on the couch when they got back. Jackson came right in and said "I love you too, Momma." He's too little to understand anything. I'm sure someday he will, but not today. I hope not today.

So now, I have a beautiful baby boy that I adore and that I can hold and touch and play with, and I have one baby in heaven. This is my reality. I'll always have a place in my heart for this one, and I pray everyday that I do not forget. Ever.

Please pray for Adam and I. This is not something that you really ever think will happen to you. Do not feel sorry for us, just be sad that it happened. We're lucky, right now, that we have Jackson. Too many women have miscarriage after miscarriage and never get to hold a baby of there own. I KNOW we are blessed. I thank God everyday for that amazing little boy.

This is not something we want to talk about right now. We are still trying to figure out how to tell people, and this is just one outlet for me and a way to fill everyone in. Please don't ask us about it, or try and talk about it with us right now. Thank you in advance for your respectfulness.

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