Friday, August 29, 2008

Wanna see?

What I've been up to lately! Blogging! Just not on Jackson's page...I've been working on BOOKS BOOKS and more BOOKS! And, finally getting around to blogging some weddings.
Check 'em out!

Life is moving on slowly. I have had some good days and some bad days. I have been meaning to blog all the fun stuff that we did with Jackson over the past few days, but then I get tired. So, I promise some videos and pictures later in the weekend. We are heading to the lake possibly tomorrow, so it will probably be on Tuesday when I can blog again...but for now, I'm going to bed! Goodnight!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Longest day ever

So this morning, we got up and dropped Jackson off with my mom. We had our appointment with the specialist, Dr. Rowe. Although my appointment was at 11:00am, I didn't get in until we sat and waited. To kill time, Adam and I played BeJeweled on his cell phone!

Dr. Rowe's nurse took me in and did the first ultrasound. She confirmed what we saw with Dr. Taylor. And then Dr. Rowe came in and looked at the scan with us. He walked us through everything. He is wonderful! Sooo nice, lives down the street from us with 4 boys of his own....I just could not have asked for a more compassionate man to help explain it all. Basically, it's just something that happened. The yolk sac looked great, the blood flow was normal, but the baby measured only 8 weeks 2 days, so it happened sometime last week. He said it could have been a chromosome issue, it could have been a heart defect....we just don't know. And it's not to say that we won't have a healthy baby the next time. The likelihood of it happening again? 1% chance of a heart defect in the next birth, 3% chance of a chromosome abnomality in the next birth, 97% chance of a happy, healthy baby. The fact that we already have a healthy baby is proof that we can produce a healthy baby. He is not worried one bit. He also suggested we NOT send anything off to labs to have DNA testing, as it would not show anything anyway (we are past the 72 hour stage).

So we headed back to Dr. Taylor's office--to sit and wait. She had a c-section and a surgery, and we sat for 2.5 hours! I was frustrated, but understood that there was no control over it. I would not see another doctor, obviously. We had talked about our options--to have a D&C or just wait it out and see if I would pass the miscarriage on my own, sometime. With a 2 year old, I really didn't think I should just wait it out and hope that I didn't have severe bleeding or cramping when I was home alone with him, or driving, or out shopping. When we talked it over with Dr. Taylor, she said it was our decision, but in some cases, I would have to have the surgery anyway, so that sealed the deal for me. We immediately scheduled the D&C for the next morning.

So as soon as she scheduled us with the hospital, I had to walk over to Clear Lake Regional for Pre-Op--which I sat and waited for another 2.5 hours. Basically, I sat in waiting rooms for nearly 6 hours today. Lovely.

The anestisiologist that spoke to me is the same gentleman who did my epidural with nice and compassionate as well. For this surgery, I will be completely under, and Dr. Taylor will have the assurance of the ultrasound, as well as a specialist on hand just in case. I love how thorough she is. It might scare some people, but I know she is just covering all bases, and I'm happy with that.

So tonight, I've taken some medicine that makes me nauseas, but will help weaken my cervix for surgery tomorrow. We tried to make the most of our evening, so that we were not just sitting at home thinking about tomorrow, so we had a really nice dinner at Ichibon's (the hibachi place! Loved it!) Jackson ate EVERY PIECE OF HIS DINNER WITH CHOP STICKS!! NO JOKE! They brought him some kiddie chopsticks and he really would not use his "pork" or "poon" (he can say his 's' but he chooses not to on those two words...weird....) After dinner, we came home and cleaned out my van--it was little messy to say the least! We took it to the car wash and cleaned it, vacuumed it, and gave it that new car smell spray!

Then, we headed to Main Event for some family BOWLING! I have video of it, and Jackson was hillarious, but I'll post that later.

Right now, I feel like crap and I want to throw up and keel over from the pain in my I'm going to bed. We have to be at the hospital at 7:30am, with surgery at 9:00am....then, I'm sleeping for 3 days. Good night.....

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Terrible news...

***Please note that the following should not be read at work***

I had a doctor's appointment today. A regular, routine checkup. I left Jackson and Adam at home and told Adam that if I wasn't back before 12:15, to take Jackson to my mom's. Dr. Taylor was running about an hour behind schedule, so of course I was going to be later than expected. They finally called me in, I peed, they weighed me, and the nurse took me in. We did a fetal heart scan, and since I am still pretty early, she said it might be hard to find a heart beat, but if she couldn't, she'd just have the ultrasound tech do a belly scan to confirm, no big deal. Dr. Taylor came in and said everything looked great. We took another blood sample to make sure that my progesterone was getting into normal range (and I could possibly stop taking the troches), but other than that, everything was good. The ultrasound tech had gone to lunch so Dr. Taylor wanted me to come back in an hour just to make sure, because it would be 4 more weeks until she saw me again.

I called Mom to make sure she had Jackson under control. I headed to lunch and then was going back to the office for the belly scan.

I got back, got right in, and layed on the table. We talked about the ENORMOUS mom that was in just before me and the picture on the screen of her baby with ROLLS--yes ROLLS in the womb! We were laughing and everything was fine...and she started the belly scan.

I saw the sac, but really nothing else. I said "Awww....I don't see anything (I already knew)." "That's not good, huh?!" (again, already knew) She was visibly upset, "Ramie, I don't see anything either......" and she didn't say anything else. I said, very calmly, "I NEVER thought this would ever happen to us....." "Okay, now what do I do?"

She took everything to Dr. Taylor and I called Adam..."Tell Adam it's an emergency and I need to talk to him now, please." "Adam, you need to meet me at Dr. Taylor's office. Leave the office and get here, okay?" I was very calm during all of this....oddly....

I went back to the exam room and just sat there. Not really thinking anything. I am a TRUE believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and you can't be mad about it. You can get upset, lock yourself in a closet, scream, and get pissed, but in the end, it's happened. So I just sat and pondered on how I was going to tell the family, how/if/when we would try again. Honestly, I never asked "WHY?" or "HOW?" because it didn't matter to me. I didn't even cry at first.

Dr. Taylor came in and sat down, visibly shaken as well, which saddened me. I had become pretty close to the girls in the office when I had Jackson, so I could tell she really cared about this pregnancy as well. She had had miscarriages herself, she explained what had happened. She said this was something no one could predict. It could have been that this baby had too many or not enough chromosomes, it could happen again, it could have just been a fluke....these things just happen. And I told her, "It's okay. Really. We have ALWAYS said that if Jackson was our only child, we would still be happy and we would love him more than any child in the world. I have faith, and I believe that this was meant to be...." She said it would hit me later and to just be prepared. She wanted to confirm and have me and Adam go to a specialist (Dr. Rowe) in the morning to do another belly scan and see if there was something that we missed or that we can prevent in the future.

So I went and sat in a grieving room and waited for Adam to get there. He was shocked. I think he knew something was up when I called. He was very the time it took for him to get there, I broke down. I cried, simply because I was sad that it was over. I'm not mad, just sad right now. I'm not questioning, just disappointed, that's all. I cried for about 15 minutes and then Adam came in and I had to try and explain it all to him.

We go tomorrow morning at 11:00 to see Dr. Rowe. On the car ride home, we cried. We both agreed that we are happy that it happened now. Before we knew the sex, before we picked out names, before we got too terrible attached. Had it happened at 20, 30, 40 weeks, I would have reacted differently, I'm sure. I was still getting used to the idea of being pregnant. Throwing up everyday doesn't get you too excited about being pregnant, really.

We got home, Adam went and picked Jackson up, and the minute Mom opened the door, Adam said she knew. He didn't even really have to say anything. Mother's instinct, I guess. I was on the couch when they got back. Jackson came right in and said "I love you too, Momma." He's too little to understand anything. I'm sure someday he will, but not today. I hope not today.

So now, I have a beautiful baby boy that I adore and that I can hold and touch and play with, and I have one baby in heaven. This is my reality. I'll always have a place in my heart for this one, and I pray everyday that I do not forget. Ever.

Please pray for Adam and I. This is not something that you really ever think will happen to you. Do not feel sorry for us, just be sad that it happened. We're lucky, right now, that we have Jackson. Too many women have miscarriage after miscarriage and never get to hold a baby of there own. I KNOW we are blessed. I thank God everyday for that amazing little boy.

This is not something we want to talk about right now. We are still trying to figure out how to tell people, and this is just one outlet for me and a way to fill everyone in. Please don't ask us about it, or try and talk about it with us right now. Thank you in advance for your respectfulness.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"I catch WHOLE BIG NEMOs!"

The next weekend, my friend Lindsey came into town on Friday night to stay with us and she brought her little dog Molly--Jackson LOVED Molly! He kept saying "Come here, doggy!" She was precious! We had a great night with Miss Winzey...and then we headed to the lake in the morning! Early--6:30am early. Adam wanted to be sure that we got a full weekend in with the Hanegans. Mr. and Mrs. Hanegan built a lake house on Lake Sam Rayburn a few years back and we've gone as a family one other time (but it RAINED and RAINED the entire weekend...uhh) but this time, the weather was PERFECT! When we got there, Wade and Lauren were out on the new boat: Ms. Hanegan got a new Suntracker Pontoon boat (which I LOVED! I grew up on a Suntracker, so I was super excited to get out on the lake in it!) and Mr. Hanegan just got a new BassTracker (which Adam was in love with!)

So when Wade and Lauren got back, we jumped on the boat and headed out to the middle of the lake to swim! Jackson thoroughly enjoyed it! He jumped right in and swam all around the boat! He helped Wade drive the boat, too!

When we got back, the boys fished! And I mean FISHED! Jackson started out on the shoreline....he didn't catch much there.

The water was only 1 foot deep (it came up to about my ankles in some parts, and up to my calf in other parts, so we put just the tube on Jackson and let him walk in the water. Us girls just tied ourselves to the back of the boat on floats and got GREAT tans (for the first time all summer...what's wrong with me! I'm usually a sun-whore!) Well, Mr. Hanegan was enjoying Jackson's Cars fishing rod that he got for his birthday--he would wade out, cast, and he was catching a bunch of little perch. He would tell Jackson "Jack, I'm tired of fishing, would you like to try and catch a fish?" Jackson would say "Yes!" and grab the pole (little did he know that Mr. Hanegan had ALREADY caught a fish and it was on the line, just waiting to be reeled in!) Jackson would start reeling and get so excited! He caught 7 Nemos that way!
He even caught a catfish, but it broke off the line just seconds after I took this picture!

WOW! Mr. Hanegan used to do the same thing when Wade and his sisters were little...he was stuck to Jackson most of the weekend--He was having fun! The boys wanted to go out on the boat and he said "Go ahead, I'll stay here with Jackson, we're just fine!" They ended up on the boat and they trolled around the cove catching fishing and peeing off the side of the boat! HA! When we were back at the house, Jackson would open his arms up really big and say "I catch WHOOOOLLLE BIIIGG NEEEEMOs! Seben! Seben!"

We watched the Olympics and played with trains and had a great time--I was so relaxed! These are the amazing windows on the back side of their cabin--the sun came in so beautifully in the morning!
The best part, I felt great! First time in this whole pregnancy! I didn't get sick once! But I paid for it on Monday and Tuesday--I didn't move off the couch and I can't tell you how many times I threw up....but my mini-vacation was well worth it! We had a blast!!

The Wiggles!!

A few months back, I found out that The Wiggles were coming to Houston. I was super excited! Jackson has been watching The Wiggles since he was about 10 months old (I'd have to go back in the blog archive to really find out when, but it's been a LONG time!) He really likes them, follows along with the videos, dances, sings, etc. So I thought it would be fun to see them LIVE! Adam just about had a come-apart over how much I spent for the tickets, but I'm sure he'll get over it! "Put it on my tab....!"

The concert was Aug 4th (for you blog readers, can you tell I'm a little can blame the new baby later!! HA!) I only took my little camera b/c we took the BIG video and I didn't want to take a whole nother bag just for techy stuff, but surprisingly, I love the video that my little camera made!! The pictures are not that great, but the video is what I really wanted!

When we got there, Jackson was just in awe--the stage, the lights, the music...and this was all before the Wiggles even came out! Once the show started, he just stared for a little bit (I'm not sure if it was disbelief, or that he was just taking it all in!) The guys all came out into the audience too: Jeff, Murray, Anthony, and the new guy Sam! He kept pointing and saying "loook Mama!" He was into the show THE ENTIRE TIME!! All Hour and 40 minutes!! I was so proud!

I have to say, Adam told me in the car on the way home "I didn't want to kill himself" while we were there, and he actually kinda enjoyed it. He thought it was fun seeing Jackson so excited!! But again, it's 4 grown men dancing--not a grown man's idea of fun....well, maybe for some, I don't know! HA!

I don't have any decent pictures of Jackson and I, and you can see why--it took 3 shots to even get one and it's not very good:

At the end of the show, Jackson kept saying "Thank you, Momma! Thank you, Momma!"

He conked out in the car the minute we were out of the parking garage and stayed out even after we got home! He was one tired Wiggles fan!!

And now for video montage part I: